“I either trust Him…or I don’t.”

I have spoken these words, so many times, over the last year.

When I was seeking God’s guidance with a chronic health issue and I was feeling led down a not-so-conventional route of healing, I told my husband, “I either trust Him…or I don’t.”

When I felt led to lay down a dream that I had been chasing for almost a decade, I found myself saying again, “I either trust Him…or I don’t.”

And just yesterday…less than thirty minutes after I told a friend about how God had just recently delivered me from a lifetime of bondage to rejection, I found myself with a heaping pile of rejection dumped right on my head.

Last night ended in tears.

“I either trust Him…or I don’t.”

It’s easy to say I trust God when things are going well. His promises seem so sure and I can trust that I am loved and delighted in.

But when I am hurt…when the pain is louder than His still, small voice, it’s hard to cling to the promises that I was so sure of, even just moments ago.

I have to say – nothing feels better than freedom. After being set free from rejection, the term “new creation” had a whole new meaning! I truly felt brand new. And the way I interacted with the world around me had to be navigated anew. The cynical way I used to look at the world completely changed when my experiences were no longer being pushed through a filter of rejection. I could love – regardless of whether that love was returned.

Yesterday, however, put everything that I was learning, to the test. I felt like I had been dancing on a mountain of victory when rejection came up behind me and gave me a huge shove right off the mountain. No gradual decent. I just plummeted straight into a pit of heartbreak. Unbearable pain that unnervingly hit me at my very core. Once again, I was reminded that I had been left out and overlooked…forgotten.

I had to decide which filter I was going to push my heartbreak through.

What if I decided to push it through my usual filter of rejection? The scripture “as a dog returns to its vomit…” came to mind.

But what if I pushed it through a filter of love? What would that look like?

I decided to go with love. Now, don’t get me wrong, there is a pain in my heart that I can’t just “happy” my way out of. The hurt is real and it’s deep…and it’s something that I have to hand over to the Father – my Abba.

He had already set in motion everything that I would need to carry me through this. It was less than a month ago that God delivered me from rejection. Had I been hurt to this extent before God brought redemption to this area of my life, I would be a hot mess right about now.

He also got me involved in the redemption process, even before the pain came. I hadn’t posted anything on my blog since I wrapped up the 40 REAL Days with God series, in May. Yesterday morning, before I even opened my eyes, I felt like I needed to do a Sunday Praise & Worship post before church…a post about Abba, Father. So I did.

He showed me that the Abba I posted about yesterday morning is the same Abba that I excitedly talked about with my friend…is the same Abba that was there as I was being rejected…is the same Abba who held my heart as it broke…is the same Abba with me as I write these words…is the same Abba who will continue to guide me through, and out of, this hurt…is the same Abba who is already dancing with me on that mountaintop of victory.

No matter what we go through or how difficult a circumstance may be – even if all seems lost and there doesn’t seem to be a way out – we have to decide if we truly trust God. This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where what we LEARN ABOUT God becomes our EXPERIENCE OF God.

“I either trust Him…or I don’t.”

Here is what else He has shown me as I have pushed this hurt through a filter of love:

I am not rejected! I have been chosen by God! Because I am loved by Him, I can give love to others – even those who have hurt me. No, the pain hasn’t left. But in time, I know these ashes will be traded for beauty and there will be dancing! I am His child. He is my Abba, Father. I was bought at a great price; therefore, I am precious to Him. I have been called to love and that is what I’ll do…

…because I trust Him.

Listen: Tauren Wells – Hills and Valleys (Acoustic)